Just playing in Oakland is torture enough.

Let’s see how many Oakland A’s jokes I can make in 60 seconds: 

1. Let’s not be too hard on this guy. Remember, he works for the A’s. 

2. The A’s can’t do anything right. Even when they specifically try to lose, it still takes them a couple of innings. 

3. Maybe the major-league club should try letting some of those position players pitch. 

4. A year’s suspension from coaching the A’s is probably a blessing. 

5. In all seriousness, it’s nice to see a manager looking to take care of his players. Since this is the A’s, I’m sure these players eventual teams will appreciate the fact that the A’s organization took such good care of them. 

Ding! A minute has passed. Too bad, because I could go on and on. 

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No evidence of foul play here. No, sir. Everything looks normal.

I didn’t actually read beyond the first paragraph of the story for obvious reasons. I can’t believe someone put this out there as legitimate news.Apparently, the body of a a UK Spy was found naked in a locked sports bag in his bathtub. Ok, that’s legitimate news. However, the first line of the article indicates that the the Coroner stated “he was likely killed in a criminal act.” 

Really? We needed a coroner and a 21-month police investigation to tell us this astounding fact? Who in their right mind actually thought this was anything other than a criminal act? This is just depressing. 

Some other great lines from the article: “Wilcox said it appeared “extremely unlikely” that Williams could have climbed inside the sports bag and locked it himself. Two different specialists attempted to recreate the feat hundreds of times without success.” 

“Wilcox dismissed claims that a fetish for sadomasochism or transvestitism may have been behind Williams’ death. There was no evidence the spy was interested in any such thing, Wilcox concluded. She added that she believed rumors may have been stoked by a “third party to manipulate the evidence,” without elaborating.” 

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Somebody should arrest the parents instead.

Here we go again. I’m certainly sorry that the kid got a concussion, but it was the result of a legal, clean hit in a hockey game. Injuries take place in sports, and as an athlete you agree to certain risks when you step onto the field of play. 

Even if the hit is a penalty, it’s a part of the game. In very rare circumstances, criminal prosecution could be necessary in cases of extreme violence far outside the scope of a sport. For example, if the opponent tried to slash the kid’s throat with his skate blade, then it could be argued that the conduct went from a part of the game to a criminal act. But a normal sports collision, whether or not it resulted in injury, can never be prosecuted as criminal.

But, of course, the parents don’t see it that way. Even though they signed the release forms to allow their kid to play hockey, they are running to the courts because of an injury he sustained. Undoubtedly, this is the first step of a lawsuit against anyone with money: the kid who made the hit, his parents, the school, the ice rink, the athletic association, and the Zamboni family itself for making that ice so darn hard!

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The only thing missing is the yellow police tape.

With lovely views like the ones pictured in the article (scroll down to #1), I have a hard time believing why anyone wouldn’t want to live in Detroit. And yet, home values are the lowest in the country. Go figure!

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They’re real, and they’re spectacular!

The missiles are real! DEAR SUPREME LEADER WOULD NEVER LIE TO US!!!!!

Now, can anybody help a brother out with some food? Thanks so much.

 

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The Sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.

Alternate title: “Is that a Titelist? It’s a hole in one.” This is pretty much a non-story, but it’s pretty hilarious given the blatant “Seinfeld” reference. 

On a completely unrelated note, I’m considering starting a one-man performance redoing some of the classic “Seinfeld” monologues. Those in the loop include the Marine Biologist and Kramer Driving the Bus with the Toe. I’ll keep you in the loop, and of course, force you to buy tickets if it ever comes to pass. 

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Somebody should have told him that “creative writing” refers to putting names on coffee cups.

In today’s version of “is this really news to anyone” we learn that 50% of recent college grads are unemployed or underemployed. Alternatively, the article could be entitled “some college majors are better than others.”

In this article, we learn of the employment struggles of recent graduates with art history, humanities, and philosophy degrees. To that, I say, “Um, Duh!” I could have told you that a bachelor’s degree in Philosophy isn’t going to lead to a plethora of job prospects. After all, when was the last time you saw an ad that said: “Help wanted: Philosopher to work in a busy philosophy shop.” Indeed, about the only thing you can do with a philosophy degree is ponder “Why” people want fries with that.

A college degree is a useful tool if you study the right subject. It’s not, however, a magic ticket to future riches. Shockingly, employers are looking for employees with useful skills, not just ones that made it through school. The real travesty here is that we’ve convinced students otherwise. They spend 4 years of their lives and go into massive debt to study something they “enjoy” but is ultimately irrelevant. The result is that we’ve got some of the best-educated, deepest-in-debt baristas in the world.

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